1. The long-suffering bartender
He works at Rathbones on 89th and 2nd, or as you and your friends like to call it, Rathboner. It is a roach-infested, beer-varnished cave full of drinks which are served in plastic cups together with Christmas lights twinkling in July. What it lacks in charm, it makes up in being extremely close to where you will be staying.
The long-suffering bartender will always greet you with, “Jesus Christ, what are you doing here again?” This making you feel right at home in the neighbourhood. He is there to cringe and bear witness to the horror when you and your friend are dancing like two sweaty chickens on an empty dance floor at 9pm on a Tuesday night, when you’re loudly and unapologetically rejected by dudes with no sense of humour, and wandering around the bard for around half an hour with toilet paper stuck to your shoe. Even though he would savagely deny all association with you, he is still your friend (as far as you’re concerned!)
2. The potentially insane Craigslist roommate
With her cute sundress and tiny Chihuahua nestled inside her Gucci shoulder bag, the potentially insane Craigslist roommate seems like the coolest person you have ever met. She promised to take you to a speakeasy after you decide to move in and casually mentions her plans to move to Milan for fashion school the next year. Basically, she seems like a sign from God that your decision of moving to New York City was the best option and that your time to shine is now. She is deeply insane, and unfortunately, not in a fun way. Hope your bedroom door has a lock!
Take advantage of the month-long honeymoon period before she starts manically painting all of the walls canary yellow, stealing all your food and threatening to throw your cat out of the window. You can bond over you six-floor walk-up exercise routine daily and share romantic boxes of wine together while looking at the amazing view of the sweeping vista of brick outside the little tiny window next to your kitchen sink.
3. The broke bargoer
You will notice her immediately when she orders a ginger ale at the bar. She will wink very slyly t you as she is holding her glass under the counter and fumbling around in her coat pocket with her free hand. She will take out a dented flask and open it with one hand, pouring a generous amount of whiskey on top of the ginger ale. If it’s your lucky night, she might make you a cocktail of her own.
4. The anti-office worker
She knows that she is in New York City to live the dream and not to slave away at some boring nine-to-five job while the city goes on without her. She daily wears thick-rimmed black glasses and has been known to bust out a briar wood pipe at parties. Every day, she spends a two-hour lunch break at her table at Grounded in the West Village, slamming back soy lattes while she writes the next great American novel while googling tattoo options.
5. The subway busker
He looks like another airhead teenager riding the 4/5 Express at rush hour, crushed in next to the crumpled, tired suits. He sits hunched over in the corner, skinny framed and jutting out underneath a tank top and baggy track pants pooling over bright red Nikes. A big smile spreads across his face once the train starts moving as he clears a little room in the middle of the car. He will yell “Showtime, folks, Showtime!” leaping up onto the subway pole and walking gracefully on air back down. It is like a mini Cirque du Soleil performance during your evening commute.
6. The soul-searching banker
He lives in a swanky midtown apartment and refuses to go above 86th street. He spends 12 hours daily making money off other people’s money. He exaggerates how hard he works and every night he is out of the town with the same co-workers he works with every day, spending money on bottle service at Pink Elephant and judging well-dressed women around him like they are food on a plate.
In rare moments, when he is alone, he realizes that he is a jerk and that his life is empty. Eventually, he will seek out a regular-Joe classic version of the manic pixie dream girl so as to help him rediscover meaning in his life. This guy will teach him about trying unpronounceable food in Chinatown while dating women and venturing into the wild world of Upper West Side dive bars.