Tips on how to piss off a local in NYC new york, travel to new york Tips on how to piss off a local in NYC new york, travel to new york Tips on how to piss off a local in NYC new york, travel to new york

Tips on how to piss off a local in NYC

Getting around like a New Yorker

What pisses off a New Yorker? One word: Everything.

Everyone wants to live in New York City, which may turn out to be a struggle for locals at times. Even if you are in love with the place you are now, at some point in your life, Gossip Girl or some other TV show put a kernel of inspiration into your brain that made you think Frank Sinatra’s lyrics could come true (“If I can make it there, I can make it anywhere...”)

So your bags are packed only to have found a shithole of an apartment somewhere in Williamsburg, where you pay around $1,700 a month to live in a hipster’s bedroom closet with no windows. The following are the things that piss off locals from New York City.

1. Walk slowly.

New Yorkers are constantly in a rush. We were supposed to be somewhere 10 minutes ago, so when you’re walking in a rush and you find a number of travellers taking their sweet time strolling along the five-foot-wide sidewalk, then it really pisses us off. I know, it’s breath-taking to simply look up at all those tall skyscrapers which you might not have any at home, but just after five minutes, they all look the same. If you’re lost or feel like shuffling your feet, just step aside and let us locals rush past you.

2. Get mad at us for not “being polite.”

We might push you off the sidewalk and into the street without an apology, we might not hold the door for you. But this is definitely not because we hate you – this perceived rudeness is only understood by the locals. We might say “sorry!” in our brain, but since we are constantly in a rush, it prevents the words from coming out of our mouths.

In New York, time is precious and every minute counts. You call it common courtesy, but really, we just don't care enough to be that verbal especially when we are rushing past a very busy sidewalk.

3. Disregard our public transportation rules.

Do not steal someone’s cab who has been standing in the rain trying to call a cab for at least 10 minutes. Do not bombard exiting passengers from a subway car so you can grab the last seat available on the train. Also make sure your Metrocard has enough funds and does not cause disruption for other passengers who are trying to get on the bus. And most importantly, if you do not know how to ride a bike, DO NOT get on a Citibike. Second to this is not keeping to the right on an escalator, especially during rush hour.

4. Claim your bagels and pizza are better than ours.

No one can lay claim to perfecting these food staples better than we can. Even if your so-called “magic bread products” were better, I bet they are not as cheap as you can get them in New York, where a slice of pizza and a coke can be purchased for only $2.00.

5. Talk shit about our sports teams.

Yes sure, the Giants and the Jets are terrible, the Mets are a joke, the Rangers are bullies, no one cares about the Knicks unless they are actually going to a game, and the Yankees are insanely overpaid, but all this does not give you the right to shit talk all over them while you’re here, especially since we have won a combined 5 super bowls, 4 Stanley Cups, 2 NBA Championships and 29 World Series titles.

6. Whittle us down to a single ethnic group.

We have many Jews. We have many Italians. We have many Hispanics, together with black people from all different countries and there is probably space for space aliens too. You can find any type of cuisine in New York. We are not all in the mafia, and not all Asian people live in Chinatown.

7. Tell us your hopes and dreams and aspirations about living in New York City.

No one here really cares that you came to NYC to act, sing or start you own vegan macaroon shop, we all had our own exaggerated ideas of what it meant to live here, but out dreams were crushed soon after settling down. It is called “the cost of living” and this will suck the life out of you. Your starry-eyed expression is just another jaded reminder that we were once dreamers too – except we know what it was once like to live without government-subsidized health insurance.

8. Make fun of our “New Yawka” accent.

While I’ve never heard anyone actually say, “Fuggedaboutit!” New Yorkers are totally proud of their insane accents. Ahright yous guys, let’s get outa hea’. Wanna get cawfee on Lawn Guyland? **points and rotates wrists repeatedly** Hey — I’M TALKIN’ HEA’!

It is possibly annoying but not any less than people from Boston, or Chicago, or Texas, or people who say "rough" instead of "roof."

9. Talk about how dirty New York City is, and how much it smells like piss.

These are known facts, yet we all choose to still live here despite them. You’re not telling us anything we don’t already know, so save your breath and talk about something actually informative.

10. Deny us our bottomless, boozy brunches.

This bullshit came about recently and we were seriously pissed off about it. What do you mean, I could no longer spend three hours of my life guzzling down a magic fountain of sangria at Calle Ocho? What the hell am I supposed to drink with my overpriced Challah Bread Nutella French toast at Garage’s Jazz Brunch?

Thank god our boozy brunches are back to being legal, because New Yorkers were about to riot in the streets. That’s a hint, NYC Hospitality Alliance — don’t ever double-cross us again.

11. Say that your favorite place in the world is Times Square.

This will actually not piss us off, it will only make us pity you. God forbid you step out of your comfort zone and travel uptown to Harlem. Yes, you are allowed to go there and enjoy it, but you are not allowed to say that it is your favourite place when you visit New York City. 

12. Joke about 9/11.

Even though it has been a few years, and I know that people outside of New York are not as sensitive about this event, but within the city and outlying area, it is still very touching and memorable. Everyone here is connected to that tragedy in some capacity, some more personally than others. The atmosphere in Manhattan New York on September 11th is pretty dull, despite the passing of time. It is best to just not bring it up when making a sort of joke.

13. Complain about the homeless.

Even homeless people know that New York is the greatest city in the world, even to be homeless. We have got many shelters, community outreach programs together with stupid travellers who are willing to supply them with a steady income higher that what I make at my 9-5 desk job. You should not complain about these cultural icons, you should be asking them for tips on how to be as smart as they are in wrangling a living off of nothing. Or you should help those who are legitimately in great need of attention, making a difference in someone else’s life.

14. Get pissed off when we get pissed off at you.

As stated before, everything pisses of New Yorkers, so we are allowed to be constantly pissed off. Tree piss us off, bars without happy hour specials piss us off, and Mayor De Blasio pisses us off. The damp summers, freezing winters, hot dog vendors, career dog walkers, garbage piles, people who accost us on the street asking if they can have just a minute of our time, hipster douchebags, socialite sluts and other characters simply just piss us off. If all this offends you, then get outta town because you are going to piss us off even more.



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